"Baywatch" Review

Title: Baywatch

Directed by: Seth Gordon

Written by: Robert Ben Garant, Justin Malen, Damian Shannon, Barry Schwartz, and Mark Swift

Year: 2017


I am letting you know now, I have no attachments to the source material of this film whatsoever. I have never seen the television show Baywatch, though it was massively popular during its syndication. But, I doubt that being familiar with the show will have much of a bearing on the quality of this picture. Does Baywatch represent its origins admirably, or does it drown in this sea of blockbusters?

Mitch Buchannon leads a time of lifeguards that patrol the local beach. However, some shady business is taking place on their territory. Going against the police and stepping out of their parameters, Buchannon and his team investigate the matter.

I'll get straight to the point; this film is horrendous. I was not expecting much, but I had hope that some quality would shine through. Unfortunately, this was not the case. Baywatch lacks charm, humor, and identity, instead providing forced and stale jokes, and an un-involving story. The emergence of the film's title at the beginning instantly warns you as to what kind of movie you are about to watch; an egotistically over-the-top comedy that fails on every level.

The type of laughs that the film aims for are cheap, employing gross-out tactics, cliché interactions, and awkward, lame gags. The absurdity on display overshoots humor, achieving foolishness. The film parades its self-awareness far too much and attempts to offer tongue-in-cheek comedy, but due to the nature of the jokes, none of this comes across well. Furthermore, the movie tries to use star power to its advantage, but this proves to be another unsuccessful aspect.

Speaking of star power, Dwayne Johnson heads the cast with his larger-than-life persona. Johnson portrays Mitch, who is in charge of safety on the beach. Opposite him is Zac Efron, playing Matt Brody, an apparent wink to Jaws. Matt is a self-absorbed former Olympic swimmer who is joining Mitch's team. The two are charismatic icons in the film industry, but even their lure cannot save this picture. The banter between Matt and Mitch is filled with stock lines and tired phrases. The rest of the cast does nothing to benefit the movie, but this is not entirely their fault.

Most of the issues with Baywatch come from a script level. I am surprised that the screenplay made it past a rough draft, quite honestly. The dialogue is akin to a grindhouse feature, and the story is more ludicrous than needed. The film also carries a pretentious air about it, seemingly proud of its asinine attempts at comedy, which only makes the movie more infuriating to watch.

The funniest thing about Baywatch is how the film mirrors one of its lead characters, Matt. Matt comes to the team with a legacy, much like how this movie is based on a popular television program. Matt is an entitled and narcissistic person, just as this flick feels like a vexing, self-righteous production. Baywatch is void of good humor, good characters, good story, and any semblance of effort. The cast can do nothing to make such an awful script work, the massively long set-ups for ineffective punchlines are painful, and the 116 minute running time is punishing. Avoid at all costs.

Grade: F